Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) Toolkit

Learning to pause before we spiral: a quiet moment of connection during an emotionally charged day.

This toolkit is designed to support couples—especially those navigating neurodiverse relationships—in understanding and responding to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

RSD can make moments of feedback or miscommunication feel intensely painful or personal. This isn’t about blame—it’s about building awareness, compassion, and shared language.

Before You Begin:

If you or your partner are neurodivergent, some parts of this reflection may stir up feelings of shame or defensiveness—especially if you’ve struggled with emotional communication in the past. That’s okay. This tool isn’t about blame. It’s about naming the invisible work that often goes unspoken so that together, you can begin to share it with more honesty, clarity, and care.

If strong feelings come up, take a pause. Breathe. Remind each other that love is still present. This is an invitation, not an accusation.

What is RSD?

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is an intense emotional reaction to real or perceived rejection, criticism, or failure. It’s especially common in people with ADHD, and often misunderstood in relationships.

In moments of RSD, a person might feel flooded, shut down, lash out, or spiral into shame—sometimes even from neutral or supportive comments. RSD isn’t a character flaw—it’s a nervous system response.

Shared Understanding

Here are ways to recognize and respond to RSD as a couple:

 Pause when things escalate. RSD moments can pass more quickly with space.

 Use shared language: “This might be an RSD moment—can we take a breath before we continue?”

 Reinforce emotional safety: “We’re okay. I’m here. This isn’t a threat to us.”

Preventative Practices

 Begin hard conversations with soft-start phrases (e.g., “Can I share something tender?”)

 Name your intention gently: “I want to feel closer—not to criticize.”

 Use calming anchors like a warm drink, sensory object, or hand on heart.

In-the-Moment Repair Tools

 Try a mutual regulation pause: both partners breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4.

 Offer a repair statement: “That came out wrong. I’m not trying to hurt you.”

 If needed, take a time-in: 10 minutes apart with intention to reconnect calmly.

Reflection Prompts (For Both Partners)

 What did I feel in that moment?

 What story was I telling myself?

 What did I fear the other person might think or feel?

 What might I try differently next time?

For the Partner (of someone with RSD)

You’re not expected to fix it—but your awareness and non-reactivity can help de-escalate the moment. Try not to personalize the intensity of the reaction. Stay grounded and curious.

Loving someone with RSD often means practicing compassionate boundaries: holding empathy without abandoning yourself.

The Shared Effort Agreement

A Guide for Shifting Emotional Weight in Neurodiverse Relationships. This is a tool for couples — especially in neurodiverse relationships — who want to shift from one partner carrying most of the emotional labor to building shared responsibility. It’s not a to-do list. It’s an invitation to grow together, with clarity and care.

Before You Begin:

If you or your partner are neurodivergent, some parts of this reflection may stir up feelings of shame or defensiveness—especially if you’ve struggled with emotional communication in the past. That’s okay. This tool isn’t about blame. It’s about naming the invisible work that often goes unspoken so that together, you can begin to share it with more honesty, clarity, and care.

If strong feelings come up, take a pause. Breathe. Remind each other that love is still present. This is an invitation, not an accusation.

Why This Exists (A Personal Note)

Sometimes I feel like the coach, the translator, the teacher — when all I want is to be the partner. I’ve done so much reading, reflecting, softening, and explaining… and I’m tired. I don’t want to carry this alone. This isn’t a complaint — it’s a call for shared effort. This tool is my way of naming that, and offering us a way forward — together.

Part 1: What Shared Responsibility Means to Me

Below is a suggestion. Use this section to write or speak your own version.

[ ] When I say I want shared responsibility, I don’t mean you have to fix everything.

[ ] I mean I want you to care with me — not just about me.

[ ] I mean I want to stop being the one who always knows what to say or how to say it.

[ ] I want us both to show up with effort — not just reaction.

[ ] I want to feel like we’re moving forward side by side, even when the path is steep.

Part 2: Choose Your Own Contribution

This section is for your partner to choose from — or come up with his own.

Choose 1–2 things you’re willing to do this week that help us move forward. These are not chores. These are ways of showing care and willingness.

[ ] Read one blog post, excerpt, or toolkit page and reflect back what stood out to you.

[ ] Ask me how I’m doing — and just listen. Not fix. Just be there.

[ ] Bring a topic or question to our next conversation.

[ ] Watch a 2–5 minute video on neurodiverse communication. If something resonates, share it.

[ ] Write a note or text about how our last talk landed for you.

[ ] Offer a co-created ritual (example: a check-in time, a “pause” word, a touchpoint routine).

[ ] Reflect aloud on a recent miscommunication and what you think happened.

[ ] Look up something about dyslexia or ADHD in adult relationships. If something resonates, share it with me — even just a sentence or a feeling.

[ ] Help create a communication cue for when one of us is at capacity.

[ ] Say: “I’d like to try again. Can we start over?”

Part 3: What I Promise in Return

Optional — helps make this reciprocal, not performative.

[ ] I’ll try not to lead every time.
[ ] I’ll be honest about what’s hard — without blaming.
[ ] I’ll pause before assuming you don’t care.
[ ] I’ll celebrate the effort — not just the result.

Optional Section:
If You Need to Say This Out Loud

“I’ve been carrying a lot. I don’t want to keep being the only one holding it. This is a tool that helps me feel less alone in this. I’d love for us to try it together.”