Masking is the conscious or unconscious effort to hide or suppress one’s neurodivergent traits in order to “pass” as neurotypical or avoid judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding. Shutdowns occur when that effort becomes unsustainable, and the nervous system retreats in order to cope—often through silence, dissociation, withdrawal, or emotional numbness.

Masking is especially common in people with autism and ADHD, but it also shows up in dyslexia—particularly in environments where appearing “competent” is tied to reading, writing, or verbal fluency. Shutdowns are the body’s protective mechanism when it all becomes too much.

How It Shows Up

Masking:

• The person rehearses conversations before they happen

• They imitate social cues or tone to “blend in”

• They hide stimming, fidgeting, or learning differences to avoid judgment

• They say “I’m fine” when they’re not

• They downplay confusion or fatigue—even when it’s severe

• They avoid asking for help, fearing it will expose a struggle

Shutdowns:

• Sudden silence, zoning out, or emotional numbness

• A refusal or inability to engage—even in meaningful conversations

• The person disappears socially, emotionally, or physically

• After a shutdown, they may feel guilt, shame, or exhaustion

• Partners may feel rejected, confused, or worried, not knowing what caused the withdrawal

Relationship Impact

Masking can make it hard for partners to truly know each other. The person masking may appear high-functioning or emotionally regulated, while privately experiencing intense fatigue or distress. Over time, masking creates a gap between how someone is perceived and how they feel.

Shutdowns, on the other hand, can be terrifying for both people—especially when they happen during conflict or vulnerability. It may seem like the partner is stonewalling, when they’re actually just protecting their overwhelmed nervous system.

Without shared understanding, these dynamics can lead to loneliness, misinterpretation, and repeated rupture.

What Helps

• Create mask-free zones: Signal that it’s safe to show up as you are. That “perfection” is not required for love.

• Use a shared language: Identify shutdowns not as rejection, but as a need for nervous system recovery.

• Name the energy cost: Acknowledge that appearing “okay” takes effort. Invite honesty without demand.

• Offer support, not pressure: During shutdowns, gentle presence—rather than interrogation—can help the person return to connection.

• Rebuild slowly: After a shutdown, give time. Repair can come later, when regulation returns.

• Practice unmasking together: Share quirks, vulnerabilities, and inner thoughts as a daily practice—not just during crisis.

A Truth Worth Remembering

Masking is an act of survival. Shutdowns are an act of self-preservation. Neither is a failure. When understood, they become signals—not threats—and love becomes a place of rest, not performance.