Because imagining how I would feel in your shoes only works if our brains work the same way. And they don’t.

Neurodiverse dynamics often challenge the comforting illusion of sameness. The kind of empathy that works well in neurotypical relationships — “If that happened to me, I’d feel…” — doesn’t always translate across different ways of processing, reacting, or expressing.

That’s not because empathy is broken. It’s because projection isn’t the same as presence.

Sometimes what’s needed isn’t:

• “I know exactly how you feel,” but “Tell me more about what this feels like for you.”

Or:

• “I wouldn’t have done that,” but “Help me understand why that made sense to you in the moment.”

What Helps:

• Curiosity without control. Asking to understand, not to fix or correct.

• Suspending assumptions. Especially the assumption that your partner meant to hurt you — or that they would have known better if they cared.

• Recognizing processing differences. Some people feel first and think later. Others need to think before they can feel. Honor the difference.

• Replacing “Wouldn’t I have…” with “Could it be that…” This shift opens the door to nuance.

• Letting go of the need to be right in order to stay connected.

This isn’t about lowering expectations — it’s about changing the lens.

Because the goal isn’t to mirror each other’s emotional world.

It’s to understand how the other’s world works — and build bridges between them.

Reflection Prompts:

• Where am I assuming sameness instead of seeking understanding?

• Is there a moment where I could have chosen curiosity instead of correction?

• What might it look like to “stay surprised” in this relationship?