8 Emotional Needs I Didn’t Know I Was Silencing
In a neurodiverse relationship, especially one where communication and emotional attunement are inconsistent, it can feel safer to swallow what you need than to risk misunderstanding, rejection, or another painful misfire.
— Calla Hart
I didn’t realize how many of my emotional needs I had buried. Not because I didn’t have them—but because I slowly learned to downplay them. To adapt. To avoid conflict. To protect the relationship. To keep the peace.
But silencing my needs didn’t make me easier to love. It made me disappear. It made me angry. It hardened me to a certain degree.
In a neurodiverse relationship, especially one where communication and emotional attunement are inconsistent, it can feel safer to swallow what you need than to risk misunderstanding, rejection, or another painful misfire.
Here are eight emotional needs I didn’t know I was silencing—and what started to change when I named them.
1. The need to feel understood
Not just heard. Understood. I wanted to feel like my inner world mattered, like my experiences weren’t constantly being minimized or reframed.
2. The need to feel chosen—not just loved, but prioritized
He tells me he loves me often—and I believe him. But love alone isn’t the same as being prioritized. I needed to feel like I mattered in action, not just in sentiment. That our relationship wasn’t something he remembered only when everything else quieted down—but something he actively made space for.
3. The need for repair
When we had conflict or misattunement, I needed acknowledgment. Not neccessarily an immediate fixing. Not defending. Just a moment of connection that said, “I see that hurt you.”
4. The need for shared responsibility
I needed to feel like I wasn’t carrying the weight of the relationship alone. That emotional labor, scheduling, and caretaking were shared—not invisible.
5. The need for affection that felt attuned
Not just a passing hug or routine kiss. I wanted affection that felt anchored in presence. Not something fleeting
6. The need for emotional safety
I needed to know I could bring up hard things without being punished with silence, blame, dismissal or withdrawal. Safety is the soil trust grows in.
7. The need for clarity
I craved knowing where we stood. What he meant. What the next steps were. Ambiguity made me spiral. Clarity gave me breath.
8. The need to feel like I mattered
Not in theory. In daily life. In the ways we showed up for each other—or didn’t.
These needs weren’t “too much.” They are human. I am still giving them voice and know while things won’t shift overnight. Hopefully they will steadily.
