7 Things That Helped When We Couldn’t Seem to Hear Each Other
Reality Check: We’re still learning this. It’s a work in progress—and a practice. But even the smallest shifts made space for us to begin seeing each other again.
— Calla Hart
There were moments in our relationship where we simply couldn’t seem to hear each other—no matter how hard we tried. We'd sit at the same table, use the same words, even look into each other's eyes… and still walk away feeling misunderstood, unseen, or deeply alone.
Neurodiverse relationships often require more than just talking. They require a whole new way of listening—of translating—of being present. Here are seven things that helped us find our way back to each other when the noise got too loud.
1. We paused the conversation before it got too far
Sometimes the most helpful thing we did was stop mid-conflict. Before voices rose or doors closed. Taking a break felt counterintuitive, but it gave us both space to regulate and return with less heat.
2. We used writing when speaking failed
There were moments where we’d switch to text—even while in the same house. The act of writing slowed our processing down. It helped us both say what we meant and absorb what the other was trying to say.
3. We named our shutdowns
When either of us felt overwhelmed, we learned to say, “I’m hitting my limit,” instead of pushing through. This language became a cue—not a rejection. It allowed us to step away without escalating things.
4. We picked our time and place more intentionally
Not every conversation needs to happen in the car, at bedtime, or during a chaotic morning. We got better at saying, “Can we talk about this after dinner?” or “Let’s wait until the weekend when we have more bandwidth.”
5. We each had a 'reset' tool
For him, it was “empty box” time. For me, it was journaling or a grounding practice. Coming back into communication from a regulated place gave us a much better chance of actually hearing one another.
6. We acknowledged our processing differences
He needs space and time; I process internally—but sometimes I also need to talk things through in the moment. Once we named this difference, we stopped expecting communication to feel seamless. That softened a lot of unnecessary tension.
7. We reminded ourselves we were on the same team
This one changed everything. Instead of viewing each conflict as me vs. him, we started seeing it as both of us vs. the misunderstanding. That tiny shift made space for compassion to re-enter.
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Some conversations still feel hard. But these practices helped us rebuild trust in the moments that used to undo us. If you’re struggling to feel heard, please know: you're not broken—and you’re not alone.
