10 Things I Wish I’d Known at the Beginning
I sometimes look back with regret—but more often now, I try to hold these lessons with gratitude. They shaped me. They gave voice to my silence. They helped me see clearly. And they gave me a sense of purpose: to help others who might be walking through the same fog.
— Calla Hart
There’s so much I didn’t know when our relationship began—so much I couldn’t have known. Not because I was naïve, but because neurodiverse love doesn’t follow the scripts most of us are handed.
I sometimes look back with regret—but more often now, I try to hold these lessons with gratitude. They shaped me. They gave voice to my silence. They helped me see clearly. And they gave me a sense of purpose: to help others who might be walking through the same fog.
If you’re just beginning—or looking for clarity in the middle—these are 10 things I wish I’d known at the start.
1. Love doesn’t automatically equal understanding
You can love someone deeply and still completely miss each other’s signals, needs, and inner worlds.
2. Masking is real, and it’s not deception
What I saw at the start was real—but it was practiced. A form of social survival. And it took time to understand what lay underneath.
3. Communication breakdowns aren’t always emotional ones.
Sometimes they’re neurological. Auditory processing, memory gaps, or executive function challenges can all masquerade as “not listening.”
4. The mental load can become invisible.
And if it’s not named early, it can snowball. Learn to track the unseen labor—not to keep score, but to protect your bandwidth.
5. Your needs are valid, even if they feel too big
Especially in a relationship that stretches you. You’re allowed to want ease, softness, reciprocity—even if your partner processes the world differently.
6. Repair matters more than perfection
Misattunements will happen. Often. What saves you isn’t avoiding them—it’s learning how to return to each other.
7. Diagnosis is only the beginning
It’s not a fix. It’s a flashlight. And it may bring grief before it brings clarity.
8. You’ll need a language that’s your own
What works for others may not work for you. You’ll need your own scripts, rhythms, resets. That’s not failure—it’s intimacy.
9. Loneliness can still exist inside love
Especially when you’re the one bridging all the gaps. That ache is real—and naming it is an act of honesty, not betrayal.
10. You are allowed to evolve
To grow. To change your mind. To find your voice. Staying or leaving isn’t the only question. Sometimes the deeper truth is: Who am I becoming in this?
---
These aren’t easy lessons. But they’re honest ones. If you’re early in your relationship—or just beginning to understand what neurodiverse love asks of you—I hope these truths make you feel less alone.
