4 Signs You’re Carrying More Than Your Share
I sometimes look back with regret—but more often now, I try to hold these lessons with gratitude. They shaped me. They gave voice to my silence. They helped me see clearly. And they gave me a sense of purpose: to help others who might be walking through the same fog.
— Calla Hart
If you’re in a neurodiverse relationship, chances are you’ve been holding more than anyone sees. More emotion. More planning. More responsibility. More translation. More hope.
It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a slow accumulation—a quiet over-functioning that becomes your new normal. Until, one day, you’re bone-tired, resentful, or questioning whether this is really what love is supposed to feel like.
Here are four signs you’re carrying more than your share—and what helped me name it .
1. You’re the memory bank, schedule keeper, and default parent—even when you’re not parenting.
You remember the birthdays. Track the appointments. Anticipate what’s needed before it’s asked. You’ve become the glue, the manager, the bridge. But when you pause, you realize: you’re doing it all so nothing falls apart. And you’re exhausted.
2. You start minimizing your needs so things run smoothly
You don’t bring something up because it might derail the evening. You let the comment slide because conflict feels too costly. You shrink—just a little—so the peace holds. But over time, your voice gets quieter. Your presence feels dimmer. And you start wondering when you became someone who settles.
3. You’re explaining your partner’s behavior more than they are
To family. To friends. To yourself. You’re constantly contextualizing, softening, or reinterpreting what just happened so others (and you) won’t misunderstand. But you’re tired of being the translator. Of always having to make sense of what doesn’t make sense to you either.
4. You’re not mad—but you’re not okay.
You tell yourself you’re fine. That this is just how things are. But underneath the surface is a quiet ache. A bone-deep fatigue. A longing for someone to hold *you* the way you’ve been holding everything else.
---
This isn’t about blame. It’s about balance. And in many neurodiverse relationships—especially when there’s no shared language yet—the emotional and cognitive labor can tilt dramatically to one side.
It’s not you. And it’s not all them. It’s the system you’ve both been surviving in.
The good news? Once you can name what you’ve been carrying, you can begin to redistribute the weight. Slowly. Honestly. In a way that includes you, too.
